We had a successful first Tapestry Alumni Support group, and would like to invite everyone to be part of the journey over this next month until our next meeting.
One way we hope to keep the community connected is to create a theme for the month from the support group topic and invite everyone to blog about the theme along with anything else you are working on in your recovery. We also want to encourage those of you who are interested in going deeper to create a self-led expressive project that explores the theme. This project could be using art, writing, poetry, collage, soul cards, music, photographs, creating an altar, etc… You could post the project to the blog, and/or share it with us in person at the next Tapestry Alumni Support Group.
The theme for February is: SELF-LOVE
Ways to be Life-Affirming: use your support system, Self-love (which increases motivation), accepting Self as you are without changing for anyone, not willing to give up your dreams, not having secrets (honesty & authenticity), being gentle with yourself, staying engaged with people and your interests, meeting your own needs
Blocks to being Life-Affirming: fear of failure, perfectionism, secrets, being hard on yourself, pride, embarrassment, shame, not wanting to be an inconvenience or a burden, vulnerability, fear of rejection
Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, March 2nd 4:00pm – 5:30pm
3 comments:
Thanks Heidi - for getting the alumni group and the blog together so quickly.
Something that I'm working on is redefining what it means to take control and to take control in healthy (life-affirming) ways. This is tangentially related to self-love in that I think some self-love is implied in the quest to be healthier. If I am trying to be healthier I must care about myself on some level even if I think I am doing it for someone else or the "wrong" reasons. I'm also struggling with identifying reasons to be motivated to change. A part of me doesn't care and doesn't want to get better but some of me does care and wants to get better for my niece (she's 6), for my future (I want to think I will make a difference in someone's life as a psychologist), my current clients (I'm a mental health case managere), my friends (I have 3 very good friends who love me), my family (who loves me very much). The problem is wanting to get better for myself. Susan (Strain) asked me a few weeks ago if I cared whether or not I died and I answered "No". Don't get me wrong - I'm not depressed or suicidal I just don't really think I matter and because of that I don't really care. Regardless, I have been trying to "get it right" (recovery) and have had 3 good days in a row.
A friend of mine asked me what a good day was - what did it look like? She wasn't looking for a response only suggesting that I need to define what a good day is so that I can set goals. Made alot of sense to me. A good day is based on the context. A good day according to my eating disorder is one thing but according to my healthy side is quite different. A good day to my healthy side is eating something at least three times a day (yes we all know that 6is the magic number but I'm starting with 3, maybe the number will get higher as I get better. Better yet maybe sometime in the future the number of times won't matter and I'll just eat when I'm hungry)and not binging and not purging. A great day is eating enough to maintain a healthy weight and not binging and not purging. A bad day is ... well you get the idea ...
Looking over the list of blocks (and doing quite a bit of rambling) the one that I identified is secrets. My eating disorder is about secret control. Two of my friends told me that my weight loss was noticeable. Interestingly, instead of being flattered, my eating disorder was mad that "the secret was out" - People who know about my eating disorder history can tell that I'm not doing well (again). I don't want people to know I'm having a hard time unless I want them to know - unless I tell them. The illness has taken that piece of control away from me. The lower my weight gets (the more the anorexia takes over) the less control I have over whether or not people know I am having problems with it.
Whew - I'm tired of writing so that's all. I'm kind of nervous at having so much of myself out there in webland but here goes ... (and then she pushed the publish button)
Kathy
Kathy,
Control is a tricky thing because the times when you think you are most in control- either not eating or b/p, you are in the least control and then the times when you feel out of control- actually doing the recovery thing, you are in the most control.
I have been thinking alot about control, I love being in control and I like feeling like I am the one in complete charge of myself and everyone around me. But I have been really thinking- am I really in control when I can't force myself to give my body what it needs? Am I in control when I can't leave the gym because I have not ran enough? So for you, are you in control when you are not giving your body what it needs and DESERVES? Regardless of whether or not your friends notice that you have lost weight or that you aren't in a good place, I think that the question of control needs be more basic than that. Do you have control over you? Do you want control over you (scary question)? Or do you want the eating disorder- whose sole goal is to kill you, physically, mentally, or both, to have control over you by convincing you that secrets are the best thing.
I think this was less of a response to you and more of an encouragement to me. I was never open to people about the eating disorder, I would go to the hospitals and into treatment and not tell friends where I was going even though most of them could guess. Like you, I wanted control over who knew I had a "problem", but after a while I learned that I needed help from the people around me. Sure I was seeing doctors, therapists, and dieticians multiple times a week but I need my friends. So I decided to be completely open and talk about things when I am struggling. It is not always fun and alot of times I really want to back out of it, but I know that the eating disorder thrives on secrets and the less I have, the stronger I am. You only have one life to live and when it is over you can't go back and change all the things you did or did not do, so PLEASE don't waste it giving into the eating disorder. Life is worth living, and it worth fighting for and even getting a little uncomfortable to fight for.
Morgan - Thanks for responding. I've made some progress against the secrets - I finally told my brother (who is a huge support for me) that I am struggling. He was completely non-judgemental and asked what I thought was different from when I left Tapestry. I think I feel differently about myself - I was full of hope about my immediate future when I left. Some things have happened which have made my immediate future look bleak as far as obtaining some career goals. He pointed out that I felt the same way when I lost my job last year. Instead of being a bad thing - it's probably the best thing that could have happened. I moved here and have a job that I love, am close to my family (which is a good thing for me), and have made several good friends who I can be totally honest with. Life happens and sometimes we just have to ride the wave. I don't know if it is because I told him or not but I've had 2 good days in a row -the first in over a month.
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