Hi everyone,
Well at first I was afraid to go out on a limb and write something here but I figure, what the heck, if I had the guts to go to Tapestry and admit I had a problem in the first place, I figured I could write on its BLOG site!!!
Many of you who knew me from our stay at Tapestry know that I left for Washington soon after. It was a difficult decision but one that I by no means regret. I knew when I came here that I would be facing some major challenges and putting myself in front of some new stressors that I wouldn't experience if I were to just stay where I was. Problem was, I knew I was unhappy where I was and didn't think it would be anywhere if I just stayed put. Well things are going relatively well- while I don't have a permanent job, I do have a temp one with a really good company with really good people. I'm in a city where there are constantly things to do, and I have a boyfriend who knows about my mental and eating disorder and is very supportive about it (without us being in a codependent situation..what's great is that HE is stable and has his stuff together). I am supporting myself financially and doing things on my own for the first time.
But of course the reason I'm writing here is that yes, I won't lie, I have relapsed. I hope you all aren't terribly disappointed in me, or I don't know, maybe you were expecting it. I wasn't overly optimistic about it, but I am certainly disappointed in myself. And when it happened the first time I was sure it wouldn't happen again, but alas, it kept going and going and now it's just headed down a downward spiral. There have always been different reasons for me to binge and purge, and I think the reason now is that life just seems to be going so fast and out of control so fast that I just don't know what else to do. And that's besides the whole body-image hatred thing.
I know it's not something I have to do, nor do I honestly even want to because it's a disgusting habit. But I'm very lonely here (and guys- this is the way it was before I moved to any big city- this is the way it has ALWAYS been). And loneliness has always been the primary trigger.
I guess what I'm asking for here is a little support. I need help getting myself back on track. I know it sounds like a lot to ask but I don't want scolding or patronizing, I really just need someone to tell me "it's ok, you've done this before you can do it again" and remind me of what I've learned. My problem in recovery from relapse from anything bad has always been that I've tried to just brush off all the bad times like they were part of some negative phase and that I can just erase it all. I have always hated myself and I'm constantly trying to recreate, recreate, recreate. I always want to be someone else- to not have this stupid mood disorder. I am tired of being called "intense" and "emotional". I just want to be NORMAL. I want to have NORMAL relationships and NORMAL eating and a NORMAL life.
Anyone who is willing to give me some support and would like some in return please respond to this post and I'll send you my email and phone number. At this point, the only person I can talk to about what's going on with my ED is someone who is rapidly slumping into some pretty serious anorexia, and obviously that's not a healthy support source. I consider myself to be a very good friend and an excellent listener and would love to provide help to anyone who needs it.
But again, I KNOW I am in a bad place right now and I KNOW that I screwed up- bigtime. Any of you who know me know that I have a lot of drive and that if I put my mind and heart to something I can do it. Unfortunately this bad place also implies that I am extremely sensitive about the situation and even in some denial, so please, use your words gently. I'm looking for a friend- not a mom, not a teacher, not a disciplinarian. I just need to be reminded of what I already have inside of me to be able to get through this.
Love you guys,
Suzanne
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7 comments:
hey suzanne
unfortunately, i only have about 2 minutes to give a response, but i saw your blog and was moved to respond immediately. i know all too well what you are going through right now and absolutely share your pain. you're not the first nor will you be the last to need...and deserve...support. you have not ruined your recovery. unfortunately, though, ED is still providing you with something that you need and that's why you are having a hard time letting the @@#$! go away completely. any ideas? for me, i recently realized that perhaps i'm hanging onto it because, after all of these years of wishing i was "normal," i think i'm afraid that i won't meet what's expected of me if i were in the "fully functioning person" category.
anyway, it's not important why i think i can't let go, but what i did find was that trying to focus on what ED is doing *for* me may help me kick him to the curb once and for all.
i don't even know you, but i will say that i'm proud (and envious) of the courage it took to make that move to washington....
thanks lisa,
if i understand you correctly, i know what you mean when you say, "i think i'm afraid that i won't meet what's expected of me if i were in the 'fully functioning person category'". while yes, i am fully functioning, i sabotage opportunities and relationships before they can fully blossom because i'm always certain that i'll just screw them up anyway. i want to be "normal" mentally and emotionally, but i want to be "perfect" when it comes to my appearance, my social life, and most importantly, my career.
the problem with stopping the binging is that i genuinely WANT to sometimes. quitting purging wasn't so hard at tapestry- i mean of course there's post-dessert times and all that- but binging i genuinely enjoyed all those years. and when life isn't where i want it to be, at least it occupies my mind with something different. i am by NO means saying that i want to continue with it, but it's just that right now i feel like i don't have enough good reasons not to.
would love to hear more about your story as well...thanks again for yoru comment.
Suzanne,
I want to tell you that I would love to be a support to you via email or phone. Mackechnierl@gmail.com
I also relapsed when I left Tapestry, but I did not let that get me down. Since I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to return to Tapestry, I have chosen to try to kick ED out of my life once more. I understand why you want to hold on to bingeing and purging, but just remind yourself of why you want to stop engaging in those behaviors in the first place. As you say you value your career, your social life, and your appearance. Those things will eventually not be manageable with an ED in your life. Thanks for your honesty and I will be looking forward to your email.
-Robynn
hey suzanne
perhaps we should exchange email addresses because i forget to look here without an alert. but i guess that defeats the purpose of a blog....
anyway - to the first part of your response, i would argue that we are not "fully functioning." yes - certainly holding down a job, paying your bills, being responsible etal is a part of functioning that people who are worse off can't do, but sabotaging relationships or binging and purging *instead of living life* means, in my opinion, that we are not "fully functioning."
as far as whether or not there are "enough reasons" to stop our symptoms, i have to disagree with you there too. there are plenty of reasons, not the least of which that this effin disease is causing us to WASTE OUR LIVES!! but believe me, i often feel like i'm doing it because i "want" to. to hear a shrink put it, it's simply because i have yet to find another "tool" that is as effective in filling up the emptiness and/or numbing difficult feelings. i dunno. while i don't have any answers on this, i certainly don't want us to be able to convince ourselves that we actually "want" to be doing this. in fact, we don't want this at all! we are not struggling because we are hoping that if we fight hard enough this behavior will be ok. we want to be normal! we want to know that we can actually enjoy life without having to be perfect first. after all, we can never be perfect. does that we'll allow ourselves to never enjoy what we do have....
lisa--
perhaps i should clarify. i don't mean to say that i truly believe that aren't enough reasons to quit..at least the true core of me doesn't. it's just this part of me that's been there for a long time, the cynic, the disbeliever, hell, i guess it's just Ed.
also yes i guess you're right about not being fully functioning. cuz clearly if i'm hurting people and myself and not reaching my full potential- which i know deep down is a lot- then how am i being "full". huh, there's a word with multiple connotations for us....
and there's that word "normal" again. i know the therapists who read this are probably laughing at me right now and thinking i'm going on another defense mechanism spiel, but i honestly feel very strongly about this: while Ed(aka the part of me who has always been self-critical and convincing me that i will always be depressed and not as good as anyone else) convinces me that i must be "normal" to everyone else, i believe that part of my illness is what will perpetually distinguish me from many other people. i realize that this may come off as narcissistic- like i'm better than other human beings- but what i really mean is that i'm just DIFFERENT. it's part of the mixed blessing of being bipolar or NOS or whatever the hell u want to diagnose me as. i'm both creative and brilliant and yet disturbed and always analyzing and confused. it's like some constant existential crisis where i'm trying to find all the meaning of all this, often being self-destructive yet also creating a lot of beauty in the world- not just in terms of art but for other people as well. it helps me to be intuitive and sensitive and really LISTEN to people. i see beauty in the world that not everyone sees. i am able to translate it into a language that others can understand and reflect on. i think what i really need to find is a balance..to where i can allow myself to be sad sometimes and yet also artistic, but to also take care of myself and allow myself to be happy. heidi and i had a discussion about this...whether you need to be sad and depressed to be able to create beautiful art, like van gogh or shelley or hemingway. no, i don't want to be happy, and i don't want to find myself in a hospital again, totally inept and dysfunctional and sad. i also don't want to become my mother and get to a point where not only can i not work, but i can't contribute to anyone's life, and i struggle to even take care of myself. i want to be good to myself, yet not so selfish that i think the whole world is criticizing me and thinking that i'm just not good enough. the truth is that i'm probably the only one who thinks this way, and in reality, everyone has their own stuff to deal with.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, maybe there's a way to find some happy medium between torturing myself and letting myself get so deep in depression that all i'm really doing is just binging and purging my life away, losing weight to where i'm too weak to even make any art or be a good friend, girlfriend or daughter. i don't know how to balance and don't know if i ever have, but i guess that's a good aim to go for.
as for my ED, yes, i do binge and purge, but i am trying to meal by meal, even if it's just once or twice a day, tell myself that i don't "have" to purge. there's no law that says i have to be super skinny or unhealthy. because i have so many goals in my life and so much to offer the world. i don't mean that in an arrogant way, just that i'm undermining myself and demeaning my own potential by constantly going to the bathroom and getting rid of that which is nourishing me and making me strong, strong enough to be a real force in this world. the world needs women like us to show that females have a true power and insight that can make a difference. we should embrace that and not kill it. step by step, one day at a time, maybe one day we can truly heal ourselves and reach inside to find the real heart of what drives us, of what makes us strong and beautiful.
i should correct one part of that post- it should say i don't want to be "UNhappy". sorry- i am at work and rushing through this post!!!
first of all, there're a few art therapy pics on one of the cabinets in the tapestry kitchen. there was one in particular that i loved. i'm wondering now if it's yours!! in any case, i have always admired artistic talent. hell, even when i draw stick figures they don't look like stick figures!!
unfortunately, there will be no "second of all" because my computer battery just beeped at me and i don't have a power cord. i quickly want to say, though, that i don't think you are arrogant or self centered. what a gift it is to *know* you have all of these talents and that you're special. in fact, that's about 90% of my battle---believing that i have any qualities that are worth noticing if they are not coming in the right looking package.
crap - it's beeping faster!! better go~
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