Find the Real Heart of What Drives Us

lisa--perhaps i should clarify. i don't mean to say that i truly believe that aren't enough reasons to quit..at least the true core of me doesn't. it's just this part of me that's been there for a long time, the cynic, the disbeliever, hell, i guess it's just Ed. also yes i guess you're right about not being fully functioning. cuz clearly if i'm hurting people and myself and not reaching my full potential- which i know deep down is a lot- then how am i being "full". huh, there's a word with multiple connotations for us

....and there's that word "normal" again. i know the therapists who read this are probably laughing at me right now and thinking i'm going on another defense mechanism spiel, but i honestly feel very strongly about this: while Ed(aka the part of me who has always been self-critical and convincing me that i will always be depressed and not as good as anyone else) convinces me that i must be "normal" to everyone else, i believe that part of my illness is what will perpetually distinguish me from many other people. i realize that this may come off as narcissistic- like i'm better than other human beings- but what i really mean is that i'm just DIFFERENT.

on a sidenote: how do we define "normal" anyway?? is there some bell curve on which we can put the human race to which we refer to say, "oh yes, this person fits into the 50th percentile of weight or beauty or success? we are all individual and unique so why the hell does it matter if we don't fit the ideal standards for normalcy and acceptability to other people? isn't that part of the reason we've developed these damn eating disorders anyway, because of some desire to fit what magazines and tv shows and movies have portrayed to us of what a normal and healthy woman should look like? obviously those are NOT what normal women look like so why shouldn't we, instead of striving to be "normal" (God i hate that word), just striving to be our best selves?

anyway back to the point- and i realize this is a very tangential post but i've got a lot to say!!

it's part of the mixed blessing of being bipolar or NOS or whatever the hell u want to diagnose me as. i'm both creative and brilliant and yet disturbed and always analyzing and confused. it's like some constant existential crisis where i'm trying to find all the meaning of all this, often being self-destructive yet also creating a lot of beauty in the world- not just in terms of art but for other people as well. it helps me to be intuitive and sensitive and really LISTEN to people. i see beauty in the world that not everyone sees. i am able to translate it into a language that others can understand and reflect on.

i think what i really need to find is a balance..to where i can allow myself to be sad sometimes and yet also artistic, but to also take care of myself and allow myself to be happy. heidi and i had a discussion about this...whether you need to be sad and depressed to be able to create beautiful art, like van gogh or shelley or hemingway. no, i don't want to be happy, and i don't want to find myself in a hospital again, totally inept and dysfunctional and sad. i also don't want to become my mother and get to a point where not only can i not work, but i can't contribute to anyone's life, and i struggle to even take care of myself. i want to be good to myself, yet not so selfish that i think the whole world is criticizing me and thinking that i'm just not good enough. the truth is that i'm probably the only one who thinks this way, and in reality, everyone has their own stuff to deal with. i guess what i'm trying to say is, maybe there's a way to find some happy medium between torturing myself and letting myself get so deep in depression that all i'm really doing is just binging and purging my life away, losing weight to where i'm too weak to even make any art or be a good friend, girlfriend or daughter. i don't know how to balance and don't know if i ever have, but i guess that's a good aim to go for.

as for my ED, yes, i do still purge, (i actually don't really binge anymore!) but i am trying to meal by meal, even if it's just once or twice a day, tell myself that i don't "have" to purge. there's no law that says i have to be super skinny or unhealthy. because i have so many goals in my life and so much to offer the world. i don't mean that in an arrogant way, just that i'm undermining myself and demeaning my own potential by constantly going to the bathroom and getting rid of that which is nourishing me and making me strong, strong enough to be a real force in this world. the world needs women like us to show that females have a true power and insight that can make a difference. we should embrace that and not kill it. step by step, one day at a time, maybe one day we can truly heal ourselves and reach inside to find the real heart of what drives us, of what makes us strong and beautiful.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2008

THE Center of Asheville hosts a variety of free and open-to-the-public events for the 21st annual National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW). Hope to see those of you in the Asheville area at some of these events.

HELPING GIRLS THRIVE: A Crucial Conversation & Celebration
Thursday, February 21, 5:30p-7:30p at MAHEC in Asheville
Participate in an evening of boosting girls’ self-esteem and healthy body image with fun, celebratory activities including art, music, hula hooping, and refreshments.

ROUND TABLE CONVERSATION
Tuesday, February 26, 12:30p at Laurel Forum in Karpen Hall at UNCA
Join in a facilitated, casual discussion about eating disorders, recovery, and body image with individuals at different stages of recovery, their family members, professionals, and athletes.

REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES SCREENING & DISCUSSION
Wednesday, February 27 at 7:30p at Highsmith Union 104 at UNCA
Watch this coming-of-age story about a young woman embracing herself, her body, and her future. Stay for an informal discussion afterwards.

THE DRESSING ROOM PROJECT
presented in collaboration with Girls on the Run of Western NC
Thursday, February 28, 5:30p-7:30p at the new offices of THE Center – 297 Haywood Street (inside the former Haywood Street United Methodist Church)
Girls ages 11-14 and their parents are invited to chat, listen to music, enjoy healthy food, and create original designs.

LOCAL YOGA STUDIOS SUPPORT NEDAW 2008
Saturday, February 16, 10:00a at Greenlife Community Center
Sunday, February 24, 6-7:15p at InShine Yoga
Monday, February 25, 5:30p at Asheville Yoga Center
Wednesday, February 27, 7:30p at West Asheville Yoga
Thursday, February 28, 4:00p at Lighten-Up Yoga

For details and a complete schedule of events go to http://www.thecenternc.org/.

Purpose of the Eating Disorder

I think it's important to figure out what purpose the eating disorder is filling in order to recover. For me, I think it prevents me from feeling scared or sad. Think about what's going on in your life. What would you be dealing with if you weren't so wrapped up in the eating disorder.

If I wasn't, I'd be really afraid for my future in the next year because I want to go on a one year internship to finish up my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. This is an important goal for me as it's something that I really, really want and have worked hard to obtain. The thing is I just moved to Asheville a year ago and I'm really happy here. I have good friends - something that I have not always had. I'm near my brother and two nieces who love me very much. I love my job (although it's something that I'd easily give up for the degree.) There aren't any internships near here so I will probably be in another state. That's if I get one - there are about 300 more applicants than there are sites. If I don't get one I have to wait another year to reapply. While I love my job it's really stressful and I long for the day when I can work on a different level. It kind of sucks being a case manager because of the stress of trying to help so many people and being responsible for helping them in every aspect of their lives - I want to be a psychologist where I'm there to help people emotionally and don't have to worry about finding them a place to live, a box of food, or transportation to the doctor.

That fear is overwhelming - both that I will and that I will not get an internship. B/p takes up time and emotional space while anorexia allows me to feel in control (in that sick twisted way that it does). I know it's out of control but I have the illusion of control. I can identify with Suzanne's idea that there are parts of the eating disorder that you want to keep. I really want to stop b/p but I'd kind of like to keep the anorexia. However, the two are entangled and I do realize that.

There are other reasons to give it up - I like being strong and that's impossible if you don't eat. I don't want to look "sick." I don't want people to look at me in pity and if you're really too thin you get that look from some people. Not everyone but some. My guess is that they think you're either anorexic or you have cancer or some other terrible illness. I want to be a person not a disorder. I want people to see me as Kathy not as that woman with anorexia. I've had clients tell me I'm too thin and it really bothered me.

Suzanne S Intro

Hi everyone,

Well at first I was afraid to go out on a limb and write something here but I figure, what the heck, if I had the guts to go to Tapestry and admit I had a problem in the first place, I figured I could write on its BLOG site!!!

Many of you who knew me from our stay at Tapestry know that I left for Washington soon after. It was a difficult decision but one that I by no means regret. I knew when I came here that I would be facing some major challenges and putting myself in front of some new stressors that I wouldn't experience if I were to just stay where I was. Problem was, I knew I was unhappy where I was and didn't think it would be anywhere if I just stayed put. Well things are going relatively well- while I don't have a permanent job, I do have a temp one with a really good company with really good people. I'm in a city where there are constantly things to do, and I have a boyfriend who knows about my mental and eating disorder and is very supportive about it (without us being in a codependent situation..what's great is that HE is stable and has his stuff together). I am supporting myself financially and doing things on my own for the first time.

But of course the reason I'm writing here is that yes, I won't lie, I have relapsed. I hope you all aren't terribly disappointed in me, or I don't know, maybe you were expecting it. I wasn't overly optimistic about it, but I am certainly disappointed in myself. And when it happened the first time I was sure it wouldn't happen again, but alas, it kept going and going and now it's just headed down a downward spiral. There have always been different reasons for me to binge and purge, and I think the reason now is that life just seems to be going so fast and out of control so fast that I just don't know what else to do. And that's besides the whole body-image hatred thing.

I know it's not something I have to do, nor do I honestly even want to because it's a disgusting habit. But I'm very lonely here (and guys- this is the way it was before I moved to any big city- this is the way it has ALWAYS been). And loneliness has always been the primary trigger.

I guess what I'm asking for here is a little support. I need help getting myself back on track. I know it sounds like a lot to ask but I don't want scolding or patronizing, I really just need someone to tell me "it's ok, you've done this before you can do it again" and remind me of what I've learned. My problem in recovery from relapse from anything bad has always been that I've tried to just brush off all the bad times like they were part of some negative phase and that I can just erase it all. I have always hated myself and I'm constantly trying to recreate, recreate, recreate. I always want to be someone else- to not have this stupid mood disorder. I am tired of being called "intense" and "emotional". I just want to be NORMAL. I want to have NORMAL relationships and NORMAL eating and a NORMAL life.

Anyone who is willing to give me some support and would like some in return please respond to this post and I'll send you my email and phone number. At this point, the only person I can talk to about what's going on with my ED is someone who is rapidly slumping into some pretty serious anorexia, and obviously that's not a healthy support source. I consider myself to be a very good friend and an excellent listener and would love to provide help to anyone who needs it.

But again, I KNOW I am in a bad place right now and I KNOW that I screwed up- bigtime. Any of you who know me know that I have a lot of drive and that if I put my mind and heart to something I can do it. Unfortunately this bad place also implies that I am extremely sensitive about the situation and even in some denial, so please, use your words gently. I'm looking for a friend- not a mom, not a teacher, not a disciplinarian. I just need to be reminded of what I already have inside of me to be able to get through this.

Love you guys,
Suzanne

February's theme: SELF-LOVE

We had a successful first Tapestry Alumni Support group, and would like to invite everyone to be part of the journey over this next month until our next meeting.

One way we hope to keep the community connected is to create a theme for the month from the support group topic and invite everyone to blog about the theme along with anything else you are working on in your recovery. We also want to encourage those of you who are interested in going deeper to create a self-led expressive project that explores the theme. This project could be using art, writing, poetry, collage, soul cards, music, photographs, creating an altar, etc… You could post the project to the blog, and/or share it with us in person at the next Tapestry Alumni Support Group.

The theme for February is: SELF-LOVE

At the Tapestry Alumni Support Group today, we discussed what it means to be Life-Affirming and what gets in the way of us being Life-Affirming. We identified one block that we particularly struggle with, and named one step that we could take to work towards working through that block.

Ways to be Life-Affirming: use your support system, Self-love (which increases motivation), accepting Self as you are without changing for anyone, not willing to give up your dreams, not having secrets (honesty & authenticity), being gentle with yourself, staying engaged with people and your interests, meeting your own needs

Blocks to being Life-Affirming: fear of failure, perfectionism, secrets, being hard on yourself, pride, embarrassment, shame, not wanting to be an inconvenience or a burden, vulnerability, fear of rejection

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, March 2nd 4:00pm – 5:30pm

Welcome & Guidelines

Welcome to the Tapestry Alumni Support Blog. We hope that this will be a helpful tool in supporting you in your recovery process.

Please review the guidelines below:

* This blog is for Tapestry Alumni to post about their recovery journey. It is open to the public, so if you are concerned about your confidentiality, use a nickname.

* Do not discuss numbers such as past or current weight and sizes.

* Do not discuss graphic details of eating disorder practices.

* We will moderate the posts, and if we feel something is posted that could be detrimental to the community, we will remove the post. We may request individuals to secure outside supports (i.e. individual therapy) before becoming active again in the blog.

We hope these guidelines will create a space of safety and openness. Happy blogging!

~ The Tapestry Staff