I think it's important to figure out what purpose the eating disorder is filling in order to recover. For me, I think it prevents me from feeling scared or sad. Think about what's going on in your life. What would you be dealing with if you weren't so wrapped up in the eating disorder.
If I wasn't, I'd be really afraid for my future in the next year because I want to go on a one year internship to finish up my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. This is an important goal for me as it's something that I really, really want and have worked hard to obtain. The thing is I just moved to Asheville a year ago and I'm really happy here. I have good friends - something that I have not always had. I'm near my brother and two nieces who love me very much. I love my job (although it's something that I'd easily give up for the degree.) There aren't any internships near here so I will probably be in another state. That's if I get one - there are about 300 more applicants than there are sites. If I don't get one I have to wait another year to reapply. While I love my job it's really stressful and I long for the day when I can work on a different level. It kind of sucks being a case manager because of the stress of trying to help so many people and being responsible for helping them in every aspect of their lives - I want to be a psychologist where I'm there to help people emotionally and don't have to worry about finding them a place to live, a box of food, or transportation to the doctor.
That fear is overwhelming - both that I will and that I will not get an internship. B/p takes up time and emotional space while anorexia allows me to feel in control (in that sick twisted way that it does). I know it's out of control but I have the illusion of control. I can identify with Suzanne's idea that there are parts of the eating disorder that you want to keep. I really want to stop b/p but I'd kind of like to keep the anorexia. However, the two are entangled and I do realize that.
There are other reasons to give it up - I like being strong and that's impossible if you don't eat. I don't want to look "sick." I don't want people to look at me in pity and if you're really too thin you get that look from some people. Not everyone but some. My guess is that they think you're either anorexic or you have cancer or some other terrible illness. I want to be a person not a disorder. I want people to see me as Kathy not as that woman with anorexia. I've had clients tell me I'm too thin and it really bothered me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I strongly relate to your desires. I want to be viewed as the vital, healthy person I know lies within rather than be judged by my disordered appearance. I have been particularly frustrated over the course of the past week (ED Awareness Week) with the tagline "Embrace your curves". I don't have curves, yet I'm working dilligently to develop them! I feel that mentally I'm fostering a sense of self-love, but that newly aquired gentleness hasn't correlated with physical improvement. I fear that growing to accept the person that I am right now will stall my efforts to gain weight and restore physical health. It's tempting, but unrealistic, to suppose that by reaching a healthy weight, my problems will be resolved. I no longer wish to use ED as a crutch, convincing myself that if it weren't for anorexia, I would have everything together. I associate self-love with forgiveness. Does that mean that I should forgive myself for not making the extra effort to gain? If I am too forgiving, I won't move forward. Where is the balance?
Could you think of forgiveness as forgiving the part of you that doesn't want to be anorexic? I know that sounds strange but in eating disorder logic it makes sense to me. Self-love is about nurturing yourself. What about forgiveness being forgiving of the part of you that wants to take care of yourself. The eating disorder is fighting the healthy part of me and sometimes it is winning. I forgive myself for wanting to be healthy. Because according to eating disorder logic, healthy means being a little self-indulgent, weak, and maybe even selfish.
Not sure this will be helpful to you at all ...
Kathy
Post a Comment