December's Theme: SUPPORT

A common theme in this month's Alumni Support Group was the idea that support is an essential factor in the recovery process. And this means support of all kinds... friends, family, chosen family, support groups, professionals... the more supports the better. We all know that this idea takes people out of isolation, which the eating disorder thrives on, and brings us in to community, which mirrors to us our true identity.

So go out and get some support! For those is the Asheville area, don't forget there are several FREE opportunities for support during the week:

Monday nights: EDA at the Unitarian Church in Asheville 6-7pm
Tuesday nights: Yoga for Revitalization at THE Center (sliding scale $5-$10)
Wednesday nights: Adult Support Group at THE Center 7-8pm

Hope everyone has a vibrant holiday season.

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, January 4th, 4:00-5:30pm

Life

I am once again at a major transition point in my life and I know that in the past I was always tempted to revert to ed behaviors during this time. I was hoping that I could get some ideas from people about how to create structure in my life as well as maintain recovery. I am in a great place in my life and I would love to be able to continue to experience it!

It was so nice to see everyone at the Alumni group.

R

November's Theme: OVERCOMING OBSTACLES

This month's support group was very interactive and supportive. Each person gave their history and shared their current status. They discussed the most recent challenge they had overcome and how they were able to stay true to recovery. One alumni stated that over time she has grown more committed to recovery, primarily due to health related issues, and discovered that this experience improved her self-esteem.

Hope everyone has a lovely November. Be grateful!

Submitted by: Kelly Brown

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, December 7th, 4:00-5:30pm

request for support

Hi everyone, After finally emerging from a very low low, I am making efforts to stop make-believing like everything is okay and try to develop a real support system. Tapestry has decided to make this blog public and unfortunately I don't feel comfortable with disclosing all the gorey details via this site any longer. This is not said to cause offense to those of you that would like to remain public- I just need help and would rather get it in more secure and private circumstances.

If you would like a friend to listen and relate, I would be GLAD to be here for you and share my experiences as well. Feel free to send me a message if you would like someone to write or talk to- for selfish reasons as well I would really appreciate this :)

Suzanne

October's Theme: HOPE

Alumni Support Group today... what can I say... for me it was all about offering the hope of recovery to one another. There is nothing more touching than hearing the stories of those of you who have been through struggle after struggle, only to rise above. The vulnerability that comes from healing from an eating disorder seems to open hearts for the real good stuff in life.

I would love to hear how each of you keep hope alive.

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, November 2nd, 4:00-5:30pm

September's Theme: CHANGE

Thanks to everyone who was a part of this month's Alumni Support Group. It was a good feeling to be amongst you. We talked about change change change... our belief system about change and how we can create new ways to cope with change rather than falling back on old eating disorder habits. LaDonna shared, "Change wakes me up!" We talked about reframing how we view change: looking at the gifts and opportunities it might bring when we take the long view. (Of course, it is important to give yourself room to grieve if the change involves a loss.) A member shared how she works on doing something every day that feels good and comforting for herself in order to manage the feelings that come with change without using the eating disorder. We also talked about the ways our relationships change with people when we share with them about the eating disorder. In some cases, this can create more intimacy in our relationships because of our willingness to be vulnerable.

Songs that support this theme:
Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
Horizon- Jane Kelly Williams

Anyone have any other ideas?

Hope to see you all in October, as the on coming season reminds us of the beauty of change.

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, October 5th, 4:00-5:30pm

Alumni Support Group

Hi everyone - I am posting this in hopes that it will convince some of you thinking in the back of your mind about coming to the group to come. It is a really good opportunity for support that very few have taken advantage of and I'd love to see some other people there.

the secret

I really need to put my thoughts on paper and send them out into the world. I am beginning to feel the shame of ED weighing me down, and I it is beginning to prevent me from engaging socially. Since I was at Tapestry for so long I just thought I had gotten over the whole embarrassment about having an ED, but this is not the case. I still haven't been able to tell my roommates about the disorder or my time in treatment. They will just think that I am crazy. I miss being able to be so open about how I feel, what is going on with me, and most importantly not having this secret. I feel so dishonest, yet too embarrassed to share. Its not like I want to walk around with a tshirt on that says "p.s. I have an eating disorder!" I do realize that only certain people in my life need to know, but having the people that I live with know would be beneficial to my recovery. And the fact that I am shying away from connections with others just proves to me that this is not healthy.

Let me know if you have any comments.

Eating Disorders Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) has a new location. It is at the UU Church of Asheville in the Jefferson House on Mondays from 6-7 pm. The address is 27 Edwin Place, Asheville, NC 28801. Call 804-814-0712 for more information. Hope to see some of you there.

Kathy

Again...

A year and a half since leaving Tapestry, I'm heading back to treatment. This time, I've chosen a program closer to home (finances are a factor, so I'm participating in a partial program). This will be my fifth treatment (not including outpatient visits over the course of 6 years). Though my family is still supportive, I must wonder...do I have what it takes to recover?
Fortunately, I've been blessed with a positive attitude. I believe that health and happiness are realistic goals. I'm frustrated, but not hopeless. How do other people maintain motivation? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Leisel

Freedom

Sometimes I think it just might come down to this...

"Every single last freedom can be taken from a person except the freedom to choose one's attitude." ~ Victor Frankl

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds." ~ Bob Marley

"Free your mind, the rest will follow." ~ En Vogue

Read Victor Frankl's "Man's Sarch for Meaning" about his experience trying to make sense of being imprisoned in a concentration camp during the Holocaust. His story may help add some perspective to recovery.

Eating Disorders Anonymous

EDA will be meeting at my house this coming week and until I get another location in Asheville. It is on Thursday from 7-8 pm. Call 804-814-0712 for directions.

I'm starting an ANAD support group in two weeks and consequently, I'm looking for recommedations that anyone might have concerning literature that the group could benefit from. It would be great to have some inspirational books (or devotional pieces) that could lead to discussions amongst support group attendees. Also, it would be nice to have some books that include relatively brief passages within them (1/2 page to two pages at most), so that the passages can be read and discussed by each group member over the course of an hour. Please let me know if you have any ideas. Thanks!!

Sarah

July's Theme: POTPOURRI

today's group scanned a variety of different topics. we discussed emotions surrounding lapses in recovery and listening to inner voices who were not being listened to. we talked about instances where we were cocky in recovery and how that played out for us. we were also reminded through an india arie song that we don't have to be "your average girl in the video" and that we must allow ourselves to be confident that what "god gave me is just fine." the question was posed "am i ok with just being me in this moment?" and affirmed that yes, it is ok to be just where you are and love yourself inspite of it. we discussed fear, success, balance and faith regarding our recovery. we also lifted up moments where we had consciously done something for ourself and our own happiness in the recent week or two. we thoguht about ways we could support ourselves/ honor our own truths over the next few weeks as well. thanks to all who came and all who were mindful of our meeting! look for ya next month!!!

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, August 10th, 4:00pm- 5:30pm. Note the change to the second weekend of the month. This is only for August, and we will resume the first Sunday of the month in September. Thanks for your flexibility.

I am having a fairly difficult time. I want to come to the support group but I'm not sure if I will actually make it there...it would probably be a good idea for me to come, I need a little refresher...I live next door. I have no reason not to go, the only reason I would not come is if I a) forget or b)ED. Please someone talk me into showing up...or come knock on my door. I am really lonely and struggling to fill that void on my own terms.

If anyone will be going, and is willing to call me the day of to encourage/remind me, it would mean a lot to me. My number is 720-261-1159...

Thanks, and I send love to you all.

My therapist and I are currently searching for good recovery books to read and discuss. I just finished "Life Without Ed" (which was very managable and had some useful suggestions for activities). Any recommendations? I'm currently reading "Wherever You Go, There You Are". I'd love to hear what everyone else has found to be meaningful!
Leisel

How many times must we feed the Soul?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,- I give you your well deserved fix
1, 2,3,4,5- It seems nothing but a harmless dive
1,2,3,4- I disrespect you more and more
1,2,3- I feel as if I'm hardly me
1, 2-I've given into You
1- Health is done

I want to give you every ounce of your worth. I want to give it to you, allow you to keep it, and most of all, learn to value it. For you are worth it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,...these are the number of times in which you feed, but the value goes far beyond these hours of the day.

Everyday Circus

Caged in like a circus animal
My mind and body roar
Scratching, fighting, bleeding
To be let free

Free of this disease
This paradoxical nature
In which one hates another
To please the other

Becoming Present

Step by step. Thought. Why is it that they never cease? Never ending. The future, the past... never the now. Count your breaths, watch your steps, listen to the surrounding sounds. Thought. Why must you keep interrupting my peace of mind? Judgment upon the thoughts, not consciously, only out of habit. Lawnmowers, cars. Which side of the street should I take? Does it matter? Be present. Come back to now. One, two, three, four, fuck, I’m no good at this. What defines good from bad anyway? If Buddha had any inclination of intelligence, I can be present and good isn’t an opposite of bad, more of a mesh. It is what it is. Or is it perhaps what its not? If I’m analyzing it so closely, there’s a slight chance that my feelings are correct. Being indifferent to the present is so much easier than fighting my departing thoughts. It’s a mere choice of minute-by-minute intellect. Sure, I punish myself. Which way should I go now? I assumed I didn’t know the way. Too bad there isn’t an invisible yet handy off switch to these chaotic distortions of myself. Connect. That’s what I need to do, just connect. What would walking on the other side of the road feel like? I’m too close. Closter phobia is kicking me in the ass, over and over and over. At last, my destination. Calmer? Check. More relaxed? Check. Just as she said I would be. Maybe my thoughts can comprehend the twisted intentions of my wise mind after all.

Impossible

The moonlight is lost
behind the fog
and weightless clouds,
almost like my soul
as it gets mixed with emotions
and becomes a whirl
pool of anxiety and hatred
for the world
and the people around me.
Why must karma always strike in the wrong way
for the right reasons?
I understand
because I'm the creator,
the spinner of the wheel.
I need the courage
to turn it around
and blow wind
in the opposite direction.
I need the love
to build upon the heart,
the heart of all beings.
For without us,
it is nothing.
Imagine nothing existing,
as it can't.
You're so small.
What would be if there were no you and I?
What would become
of this sacred ground
we've named home?
Searching for the impossible
is inevitably,impossible.

Hands

Silence,
sweet chatter,
soft spoken vacation as I lay on my back,
receiving energy through my palms.
Don't close your hand.
Be open
to what the universe has to offer.
Take it in,
nourish it,
swallow it whole.
What is a feeling?
A touch? A sense?
Something unseen,
yet easily distinguishable.
Define that.
Is it the reactionto some circumstance
or relationship,
or situation,
or is it some connection
that a higher power has enabled?
Given us the pleasure of 'feeling'?
Just react.
Show the emotion?
I don't think so.
I remain strong & independent,
even with a gun of guilt
held to my head.
Help isn't accepted.
Always on my own.
Yet, knowing it's my choice
is a loud alarm.
I guess help is essential
in times like these.
I beg to learn to beg,
to ask for what I need,
to learn to love receiving
just as much as I love giving.
Grow me strong,
make my soul alligate.
But please,
hold my hand along the way.

Unipower

Vastly growing grass,
intimidation standing tall,
agression uncertain
and unaware of your identity.
Submerge your energy
to the mother of the universe
and witness the magic of change.
Brown, black, white,
speckles of inevitable heredity.
As each houve taps the soft soil,
the earthquake is felt
from a million miles away.
Only on Mars are you exempt
from the power of soul-to-soul,
soul-to-soil, and unique intellect.
You may push and pull
but the masculine stance remains strong.
Twitching or ignoring me?
How I wish I could make them disappear.
The Earth gains power in feeding from the ground.
Beautiful

Hope

Indestructible,
yet unforgivable.
Ambivalent,
yes, that's my feeling.
A strong cold stabstraight into the heart.
Dreary of the concept
that no matter whatlife will go on.
I'll break down,
but I'll also break through,
straight to the other side.
The side with green pastures
and the sun shining bright.
I won't cry,
I'll smile in my own shadow
as I realize,
things aren't really all that bad.
Seemingly seemless.
Doesn't sound right,
but means so much
coming straight from the heart.

Michelle S' Quincieara

Enjoy this beautiful song Michelle shared with us for her Quincieara graduation. I apologize- the batteries ran out in the middle- but you will still get chill bumps. Used by permission.

Inspiration

Sarah's poetry inspired me to share a piece of my Tapestry experience. This was composed for a workshop with Thalia. Though gone from Tapestry, I feel it is still as pertinent today in my present state of affairs (a young woman seeking).

Who Am I?

I am the rational mind. I am disciplined. I am molded and shaped by my evolving definition of the ideal. I am whoever I choose to be.

I am also who I am not. I am not dissuaded. I am not content to accept the status quo. I am not accepting.

I am a single-minded person in a multi-faceted world. I am spiritual when it suits me. I am critical, but carry my glass half-full. I am tired of filling the silence.

I am battling myself to rescue myself. I am looking within myself to develop that which reflects outward. I am leaving myself and coming into my own.

I am seeking the Spirit. I am coming out of hiding. I am becoming.

Leisel

Shalom/Namaste/Peace from Sara

new poems posted on

http://theva-j-jmonoblog.blogspot.com/

Learning to be my own Best Friend

Transitions have always been difficult for me. Coming to Tapestry was an incredibly hard transition, but I never would have guessed leaving would be twice as difficult. I am in the process of finding my own strength, rather than relying only on my crutch of amazing support from fellow clients. But I cannot deny the feeling of loss. For the first time in my life, I met a group of women whom I truly loved and trusted. I don't think it was merely the fact that we all shared a common connection; I believe there could not have been a better setting, a better group, or a better time. The things that differentiated us added to each individual's recovery. I know this to be true. Apart from the gift of a second chance of living a fulfilling life, I was given the glimpse at what true friendship looks like. My heart hurts because I fear I won't be able to find anything comparable again in my life; maybe this is true, and if so, that's okay. What we created at Tapestry was beautiful, and unique, but at least I know I am capable of be loved and trusted, and doing the same in return. For this, I am thankful. I want to take all of the love and support I received from others at Tapestry, and mold it into a unique shape, one that's my own, and use that mold to fill the void I once believed only others could satisfy.

Loss

Today I moved my furniture out of what was my dorm room from last fall. I was taken down memory road and but I know that my decision to leave college and enter Tapestry was the right one for me. However I can’t help but to be pissed at the situation. I should be graduating on Sunday…but alas I am not. I am struggling to not stuff my feelings of anger, sadness, loss, etc. On a positive note I am not turning to food, but I still do not want to deal with the problem at hand.

There are special people that are in your life that you are just not sure what you would do if they are no longer in your life. It sometimes just doesn’t make sense to me that important relationships for some unknown reason come to an end. For me it is distance that is causing this division. So there are no hard feelings or resentment, just sadness and a sense of loss. I miss these people. I miss the laughter, the quiet understanding, the hold of a hand, the assurance that everything will eventually work out, the feeling of belonging, and most of all the feeling of being important to someone. Most of my friends are graduating from college and will be moving to all corners of the world. That’s right; my friends can’t even seem to stay within the U.S. Since entering treatment at Tapestry we have done a pretty good job of keeping in touch and we have visited often. I know that this will change as their lives begin post college. I also know that this is a natural course of life and that transition is constant, but I just don’t know how to find stability and I am not doing a good job at finding new friends to build relationships with. Honestly I am not even trying because I know that they will have to come to an end in the fall, or at least there will once again be distance. However, I know that for me relationships are vital to my recovery because my soul thrives off of them (at least the healthy ones.)

It was nice to spend time with my friends today, and now that I am healthier I am able to be a better friend and to have better relationships. I am grateful for that.

Shalom!

Here is a link to my personal blog:

http://theva-j-jmonoblog.blogspot.com/

Lisa Sings For Graduation

For those of you who know and love Lisa S, she gave me permission to upload this video of her singing "Come to Me- Peace" for her graduation. Very touching and inspirational. Lisa, you're my hero! Used by permission.

May's Theme: I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN

Another great alumni support group! Today we discussed dealing with lapses such as, how to be compassionate with ourselves about them. If we can pay attention to ourselves we will be able to be in touch with what we are feeling, needing, wanting (rather than staying numb.)If we can be in a non-judgmental place, we can learn from the lapse. Staying in touch with our inner selves, we can act in alignment with our authentic self because we know what we want, feel, and need rather than people pleasing. Finally, we discussed receiving support, and how that shifts before and during the recovery process.

Let the video below be an inspiration to get back up from the big or small lapses!

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, June 1st, 4:00pm- 5:30pm.

Step to the right of your left hemisphere and find peace

Neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had an opportunity few brain scientists would wish for: One morning, she realized she was having a massive stroke. As it happened -- as she felt her brain functions slip away one by one, speech, movement, understanding -- she studied and remembered every moment. This is a powerful story about how our brains define us and connect us to the world and to one another.

Elizabeth's baby

I thought you would all enjoy seeing these
pictures of Elizabeth's beautiful baby boy!









Jassim Ayman Aly Ebrahim
born: Janaury 1, 2008
8:26am
9lbs and 7oz

For the mindfulness lovers

Hey Ladies,
For all of you who enjoy the meditation we did at Tapestry and the idea of mindfulness and listening to your thoughts, there is a wonderful book out by Eckhart Tolle called A New Earth. The book is wonderful and takes the next step after The Power of Now, which I read and took quotes from often in our morning practices. The really cool thing is there are free classes being broad casted over the Internet, interviewing Eckhart Tolle. Oprah is making this all happen...if you love her or not, it's worth the time to listen to what Eckhart Tolle is saying.

The web site is, www.oprah.com/anewearth, and you'll need high speed Internet if you want to watch it on the computer. You can also download it on your itunes.

Let me know what you think. It's pretty revolutionary to think that this many humans are getting exposed to mindfulness!!

Hope you are all staying present,

Namaste,
Thalia

April's Theme: POTPOURRI

Today we discussed a variety of recovery issues. We talked about finding balance in how we use our time and energy, how we interact within our relationships, and how we find ways to get our needs met. We talked about taking power back from our urges by acknowledging, distracting, and self-soothing. We also talked about the things in which we place our purpose and self-worth. We are more than our identities that we have associated ourselves with, and if we can let that go, we discover who we really are. We discussed the process of teasing out what thinking/feeling serves the eating disorder, and what serves the needs of our authentic self.

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, May 4th, 4:00pm- 5:30pm.

Forgiveness

I have made alot of mistakes and most of them happen to be associated with the eating disorder. Maybe some of you know the feeling of always getting mad at yourself because of what you have done or are doing. Here is a little something, a letter, that might help:
Dear Me, my former self,
If you had known would you have done it?
I don't think so.
If you could have snapped your fingers and said "thin" would you have decided you wanted that after all?
I doubt it.
If you could lose 50 pounds in one minute, and know what it was like to be that weight, would it have been everything you thought?
No way.
It would have been pain and weakness. Misery and aching. A pound is worth its weight in confidence. Take one away and add self-hate. You feel as small as you look. Worthless. Insignificant.
If you knew, would you have ever taken that first step? Ever celebrated that first pound?
I hope not.
If you had known where all this would lead, could you have found a better way? Could you have found a way to love yourself? Or at least not slowly kill yourself?
I hope so.
If you had known. If you had only known. You would not be writing this in the first place. You would not step on the scale. You would not go days without eating or drinking.
Would you have believed me if I had told you where this would lead? Would you have believed that you were capable of an eating disorder, of becoming this sick? Would you have believed how hard recovery would be?
Would you have believed that those last five pounds are never enough? Or would you have laughed and said I was talking about someone else?
Would you ever have believed this could be you?
Probably not. And that is ok.
You did not see what was coming, you did not anticipate the darkness. You were trying to survive, you were trying to forget. You did not mean for this to happen but somehow it just did.
So you are forgiven.
Now stop judging your former self by the knowledge and the experience you have gained years later. You were young, hurting, and you made a mistake. You did what you could and had no idea what would end up happening.
So let it go and move on. You cannot move beyond something that you refuse to let go of.
Love,
Me

Identity?

As a college student, I've reached a period in my life where finding the meaning of "identity" is central to daily life. I feel like each day I am inundated by offers to transform myself through the friends I choose, the organizations I belong to, etc. But so much of my life is controlled by my preoccupation with food and exercise that there simply isn't time to explore a richer, more satisfying identity. So here is the question. Do I explore my identity and hope that the undesirable preoccupations dissipate, or should I focus on limiting the preoccupations to allow more time for personal exploration? Right now, I'm not having success with either route. I feel so stuck in rituals and unhealthy patterns, and I feel very much alone (I have good family support, but I'm 2 hours from home). Any ideas on how to break unhealthy behavior chains? Specifically, I'm having problems making appropriate, balanced food choices in the cafeteria dining hall. I'd love to receive feedback!
Leisel

Leigh L Intro

hey guys...
i'm still figuring out this whole blogging thing so i have no idea where this post is gonna show up...but if u do find it...suzanne, it's gonna take me a much longer e-mail and a couple of hours to open up but let me say this...i have a feeling we r going to connect...i hear my thoughts in ur words...which is pretty cool if u ask me....my e-mail for whoever ever want to rant, or cry, or just talk is wanderinggator_1114@yahoo.com ...anyone feel free to e-mail.... i left tapestry at the end of february and i miss it (terribly) not to mention my family there, and the best therapist (ever), and the mountains, and asheville, ect. ect. but i am building a life back home in alabama (slowly) but it's coming and i kno thats how it works...i will add more soon...stuff that actually makes sense and goes deep but more than anything i just wanted u guys to know that i'm here and i've missed u and to tell suzanne (whoever u r) i hear u and that means a lot....more soon...

leigh

March's theme: RECOVERY & IDENTITY

In the support group today we discussed how to get or stay connected to the part of ourselves that wants to recover, and then how to develop our identity from this place. We shared how authentic identity comes from naming the losses in our lives, having the courage to be with our feelings, and using our voice to state our needs from our loved ones and our Self. It was a rich discussion. We invite everyone to blog about this theme, work with recovery & identity in a creative way throughout the month, or share anything else that is coming up for you.

We also thought an Eating Disorders Anonymous group would be a good addition to the Asheville scene... anyone feeling motivated to start one?

Thanks to everyone that came to the support group today to make it successful, and thanks to everyone who has participated in the blog so far. Happy March!

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, April 6th, 4:00pm – 5:30pm

Find the Real Heart of What Drives Us

lisa--perhaps i should clarify. i don't mean to say that i truly believe that aren't enough reasons to quit..at least the true core of me doesn't. it's just this part of me that's been there for a long time, the cynic, the disbeliever, hell, i guess it's just Ed. also yes i guess you're right about not being fully functioning. cuz clearly if i'm hurting people and myself and not reaching my full potential- which i know deep down is a lot- then how am i being "full". huh, there's a word with multiple connotations for us

....and there's that word "normal" again. i know the therapists who read this are probably laughing at me right now and thinking i'm going on another defense mechanism spiel, but i honestly feel very strongly about this: while Ed(aka the part of me who has always been self-critical and convincing me that i will always be depressed and not as good as anyone else) convinces me that i must be "normal" to everyone else, i believe that part of my illness is what will perpetually distinguish me from many other people. i realize that this may come off as narcissistic- like i'm better than other human beings- but what i really mean is that i'm just DIFFERENT.

on a sidenote: how do we define "normal" anyway?? is there some bell curve on which we can put the human race to which we refer to say, "oh yes, this person fits into the 50th percentile of weight or beauty or success? we are all individual and unique so why the hell does it matter if we don't fit the ideal standards for normalcy and acceptability to other people? isn't that part of the reason we've developed these damn eating disorders anyway, because of some desire to fit what magazines and tv shows and movies have portrayed to us of what a normal and healthy woman should look like? obviously those are NOT what normal women look like so why shouldn't we, instead of striving to be "normal" (God i hate that word), just striving to be our best selves?

anyway back to the point- and i realize this is a very tangential post but i've got a lot to say!!

it's part of the mixed blessing of being bipolar or NOS or whatever the hell u want to diagnose me as. i'm both creative and brilliant and yet disturbed and always analyzing and confused. it's like some constant existential crisis where i'm trying to find all the meaning of all this, often being self-destructive yet also creating a lot of beauty in the world- not just in terms of art but for other people as well. it helps me to be intuitive and sensitive and really LISTEN to people. i see beauty in the world that not everyone sees. i am able to translate it into a language that others can understand and reflect on.

i think what i really need to find is a balance..to where i can allow myself to be sad sometimes and yet also artistic, but to also take care of myself and allow myself to be happy. heidi and i had a discussion about this...whether you need to be sad and depressed to be able to create beautiful art, like van gogh or shelley or hemingway. no, i don't want to be happy, and i don't want to find myself in a hospital again, totally inept and dysfunctional and sad. i also don't want to become my mother and get to a point where not only can i not work, but i can't contribute to anyone's life, and i struggle to even take care of myself. i want to be good to myself, yet not so selfish that i think the whole world is criticizing me and thinking that i'm just not good enough. the truth is that i'm probably the only one who thinks this way, and in reality, everyone has their own stuff to deal with. i guess what i'm trying to say is, maybe there's a way to find some happy medium between torturing myself and letting myself get so deep in depression that all i'm really doing is just binging and purging my life away, losing weight to where i'm too weak to even make any art or be a good friend, girlfriend or daughter. i don't know how to balance and don't know if i ever have, but i guess that's a good aim to go for.

as for my ED, yes, i do still purge, (i actually don't really binge anymore!) but i am trying to meal by meal, even if it's just once or twice a day, tell myself that i don't "have" to purge. there's no law that says i have to be super skinny or unhealthy. because i have so many goals in my life and so much to offer the world. i don't mean that in an arrogant way, just that i'm undermining myself and demeaning my own potential by constantly going to the bathroom and getting rid of that which is nourishing me and making me strong, strong enough to be a real force in this world. the world needs women like us to show that females have a true power and insight that can make a difference. we should embrace that and not kill it. step by step, one day at a time, maybe one day we can truly heal ourselves and reach inside to find the real heart of what drives us, of what makes us strong and beautiful.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2008

THE Center of Asheville hosts a variety of free and open-to-the-public events for the 21st annual National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (NEDAW). Hope to see those of you in the Asheville area at some of these events.

HELPING GIRLS THRIVE: A Crucial Conversation & Celebration
Thursday, February 21, 5:30p-7:30p at MAHEC in Asheville
Participate in an evening of boosting girls’ self-esteem and healthy body image with fun, celebratory activities including art, music, hula hooping, and refreshments.

ROUND TABLE CONVERSATION
Tuesday, February 26, 12:30p at Laurel Forum in Karpen Hall at UNCA
Join in a facilitated, casual discussion about eating disorders, recovery, and body image with individuals at different stages of recovery, their family members, professionals, and athletes.

REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES SCREENING & DISCUSSION
Wednesday, February 27 at 7:30p at Highsmith Union 104 at UNCA
Watch this coming-of-age story about a young woman embracing herself, her body, and her future. Stay for an informal discussion afterwards.

THE DRESSING ROOM PROJECT
presented in collaboration with Girls on the Run of Western NC
Thursday, February 28, 5:30p-7:30p at the new offices of THE Center – 297 Haywood Street (inside the former Haywood Street United Methodist Church)
Girls ages 11-14 and their parents are invited to chat, listen to music, enjoy healthy food, and create original designs.

LOCAL YOGA STUDIOS SUPPORT NEDAW 2008
Saturday, February 16, 10:00a at Greenlife Community Center
Sunday, February 24, 6-7:15p at InShine Yoga
Monday, February 25, 5:30p at Asheville Yoga Center
Wednesday, February 27, 7:30p at West Asheville Yoga
Thursday, February 28, 4:00p at Lighten-Up Yoga

For details and a complete schedule of events go to http://www.thecenternc.org/.

Purpose of the Eating Disorder

I think it's important to figure out what purpose the eating disorder is filling in order to recover. For me, I think it prevents me from feeling scared or sad. Think about what's going on in your life. What would you be dealing with if you weren't so wrapped up in the eating disorder.

If I wasn't, I'd be really afraid for my future in the next year because I want to go on a one year internship to finish up my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. This is an important goal for me as it's something that I really, really want and have worked hard to obtain. The thing is I just moved to Asheville a year ago and I'm really happy here. I have good friends - something that I have not always had. I'm near my brother and two nieces who love me very much. I love my job (although it's something that I'd easily give up for the degree.) There aren't any internships near here so I will probably be in another state. That's if I get one - there are about 300 more applicants than there are sites. If I don't get one I have to wait another year to reapply. While I love my job it's really stressful and I long for the day when I can work on a different level. It kind of sucks being a case manager because of the stress of trying to help so many people and being responsible for helping them in every aspect of their lives - I want to be a psychologist where I'm there to help people emotionally and don't have to worry about finding them a place to live, a box of food, or transportation to the doctor.

That fear is overwhelming - both that I will and that I will not get an internship. B/p takes up time and emotional space while anorexia allows me to feel in control (in that sick twisted way that it does). I know it's out of control but I have the illusion of control. I can identify with Suzanne's idea that there are parts of the eating disorder that you want to keep. I really want to stop b/p but I'd kind of like to keep the anorexia. However, the two are entangled and I do realize that.

There are other reasons to give it up - I like being strong and that's impossible if you don't eat. I don't want to look "sick." I don't want people to look at me in pity and if you're really too thin you get that look from some people. Not everyone but some. My guess is that they think you're either anorexic or you have cancer or some other terrible illness. I want to be a person not a disorder. I want people to see me as Kathy not as that woman with anorexia. I've had clients tell me I'm too thin and it really bothered me.

Suzanne S Intro

Hi everyone,

Well at first I was afraid to go out on a limb and write something here but I figure, what the heck, if I had the guts to go to Tapestry and admit I had a problem in the first place, I figured I could write on its BLOG site!!!

Many of you who knew me from our stay at Tapestry know that I left for Washington soon after. It was a difficult decision but one that I by no means regret. I knew when I came here that I would be facing some major challenges and putting myself in front of some new stressors that I wouldn't experience if I were to just stay where I was. Problem was, I knew I was unhappy where I was and didn't think it would be anywhere if I just stayed put. Well things are going relatively well- while I don't have a permanent job, I do have a temp one with a really good company with really good people. I'm in a city where there are constantly things to do, and I have a boyfriend who knows about my mental and eating disorder and is very supportive about it (without us being in a codependent situation..what's great is that HE is stable and has his stuff together). I am supporting myself financially and doing things on my own for the first time.

But of course the reason I'm writing here is that yes, I won't lie, I have relapsed. I hope you all aren't terribly disappointed in me, or I don't know, maybe you were expecting it. I wasn't overly optimistic about it, but I am certainly disappointed in myself. And when it happened the first time I was sure it wouldn't happen again, but alas, it kept going and going and now it's just headed down a downward spiral. There have always been different reasons for me to binge and purge, and I think the reason now is that life just seems to be going so fast and out of control so fast that I just don't know what else to do. And that's besides the whole body-image hatred thing.

I know it's not something I have to do, nor do I honestly even want to because it's a disgusting habit. But I'm very lonely here (and guys- this is the way it was before I moved to any big city- this is the way it has ALWAYS been). And loneliness has always been the primary trigger.

I guess what I'm asking for here is a little support. I need help getting myself back on track. I know it sounds like a lot to ask but I don't want scolding or patronizing, I really just need someone to tell me "it's ok, you've done this before you can do it again" and remind me of what I've learned. My problem in recovery from relapse from anything bad has always been that I've tried to just brush off all the bad times like they were part of some negative phase and that I can just erase it all. I have always hated myself and I'm constantly trying to recreate, recreate, recreate. I always want to be someone else- to not have this stupid mood disorder. I am tired of being called "intense" and "emotional". I just want to be NORMAL. I want to have NORMAL relationships and NORMAL eating and a NORMAL life.

Anyone who is willing to give me some support and would like some in return please respond to this post and I'll send you my email and phone number. At this point, the only person I can talk to about what's going on with my ED is someone who is rapidly slumping into some pretty serious anorexia, and obviously that's not a healthy support source. I consider myself to be a very good friend and an excellent listener and would love to provide help to anyone who needs it.

But again, I KNOW I am in a bad place right now and I KNOW that I screwed up- bigtime. Any of you who know me know that I have a lot of drive and that if I put my mind and heart to something I can do it. Unfortunately this bad place also implies that I am extremely sensitive about the situation and even in some denial, so please, use your words gently. I'm looking for a friend- not a mom, not a teacher, not a disciplinarian. I just need to be reminded of what I already have inside of me to be able to get through this.

Love you guys,
Suzanne

February's theme: SELF-LOVE

We had a successful first Tapestry Alumni Support group, and would like to invite everyone to be part of the journey over this next month until our next meeting.

One way we hope to keep the community connected is to create a theme for the month from the support group topic and invite everyone to blog about the theme along with anything else you are working on in your recovery. We also want to encourage those of you who are interested in going deeper to create a self-led expressive project that explores the theme. This project could be using art, writing, poetry, collage, soul cards, music, photographs, creating an altar, etc… You could post the project to the blog, and/or share it with us in person at the next Tapestry Alumni Support Group.

The theme for February is: SELF-LOVE

At the Tapestry Alumni Support Group today, we discussed what it means to be Life-Affirming and what gets in the way of us being Life-Affirming. We identified one block that we particularly struggle with, and named one step that we could take to work towards working through that block.

Ways to be Life-Affirming: use your support system, Self-love (which increases motivation), accepting Self as you are without changing for anyone, not willing to give up your dreams, not having secrets (honesty & authenticity), being gentle with yourself, staying engaged with people and your interests, meeting your own needs

Blocks to being Life-Affirming: fear of failure, perfectionism, secrets, being hard on yourself, pride, embarrassment, shame, not wanting to be an inconvenience or a burden, vulnerability, fear of rejection

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, March 2nd 4:00pm – 5:30pm

Welcome & Guidelines

Welcome to the Tapestry Alumni Support Blog. We hope that this will be a helpful tool in supporting you in your recovery process.

Please review the guidelines below:

* This blog is for Tapestry Alumni to post about their recovery journey. It is open to the public, so if you are concerned about your confidentiality, use a nickname.

* Do not discuss numbers such as past or current weight and sizes.

* Do not discuss graphic details of eating disorder practices.

* We will moderate the posts, and if we feel something is posted that could be detrimental to the community, we will remove the post. We may request individuals to secure outside supports (i.e. individual therapy) before becoming active again in the blog.

We hope these guidelines will create a space of safety and openness. Happy blogging!

~ The Tapestry Staff