Forgiveness

I have made alot of mistakes and most of them happen to be associated with the eating disorder. Maybe some of you know the feeling of always getting mad at yourself because of what you have done or are doing. Here is a little something, a letter, that might help:
Dear Me, my former self,
If you had known would you have done it?
I don't think so.
If you could have snapped your fingers and said "thin" would you have decided you wanted that after all?
I doubt it.
If you could lose 50 pounds in one minute, and know what it was like to be that weight, would it have been everything you thought?
No way.
It would have been pain and weakness. Misery and aching. A pound is worth its weight in confidence. Take one away and add self-hate. You feel as small as you look. Worthless. Insignificant.
If you knew, would you have ever taken that first step? Ever celebrated that first pound?
I hope not.
If you had known where all this would lead, could you have found a better way? Could you have found a way to love yourself? Or at least not slowly kill yourself?
I hope so.
If you had known. If you had only known. You would not be writing this in the first place. You would not step on the scale. You would not go days without eating or drinking.
Would you have believed me if I had told you where this would lead? Would you have believed that you were capable of an eating disorder, of becoming this sick? Would you have believed how hard recovery would be?
Would you have believed that those last five pounds are never enough? Or would you have laughed and said I was talking about someone else?
Would you ever have believed this could be you?
Probably not. And that is ok.
You did not see what was coming, you did not anticipate the darkness. You were trying to survive, you were trying to forget. You did not mean for this to happen but somehow it just did.
So you are forgiven.
Now stop judging your former self by the knowledge and the experience you have gained years later. You were young, hurting, and you made a mistake. You did what you could and had no idea what would end up happening.
So let it go and move on. You cannot move beyond something that you refuse to let go of.
Love,
Me

Identity?

As a college student, I've reached a period in my life where finding the meaning of "identity" is central to daily life. I feel like each day I am inundated by offers to transform myself through the friends I choose, the organizations I belong to, etc. But so much of my life is controlled by my preoccupation with food and exercise that there simply isn't time to explore a richer, more satisfying identity. So here is the question. Do I explore my identity and hope that the undesirable preoccupations dissipate, or should I focus on limiting the preoccupations to allow more time for personal exploration? Right now, I'm not having success with either route. I feel so stuck in rituals and unhealthy patterns, and I feel very much alone (I have good family support, but I'm 2 hours from home). Any ideas on how to break unhealthy behavior chains? Specifically, I'm having problems making appropriate, balanced food choices in the cafeteria dining hall. I'd love to receive feedback!
Leisel

Leigh L Intro

hey guys...
i'm still figuring out this whole blogging thing so i have no idea where this post is gonna show up...but if u do find it...suzanne, it's gonna take me a much longer e-mail and a couple of hours to open up but let me say this...i have a feeling we r going to connect...i hear my thoughts in ur words...which is pretty cool if u ask me....my e-mail for whoever ever want to rant, or cry, or just talk is wanderinggator_1114@yahoo.com ...anyone feel free to e-mail.... i left tapestry at the end of february and i miss it (terribly) not to mention my family there, and the best therapist (ever), and the mountains, and asheville, ect. ect. but i am building a life back home in alabama (slowly) but it's coming and i kno thats how it works...i will add more soon...stuff that actually makes sense and goes deep but more than anything i just wanted u guys to know that i'm here and i've missed u and to tell suzanne (whoever u r) i hear u and that means a lot....more soon...

leigh

March's theme: RECOVERY & IDENTITY

In the support group today we discussed how to get or stay connected to the part of ourselves that wants to recover, and then how to develop our identity from this place. We shared how authentic identity comes from naming the losses in our lives, having the courage to be with our feelings, and using our voice to state our needs from our loved ones and our Self. It was a rich discussion. We invite everyone to blog about this theme, work with recovery & identity in a creative way throughout the month, or share anything else that is coming up for you.

We also thought an Eating Disorders Anonymous group would be a good addition to the Asheville scene... anyone feeling motivated to start one?

Thanks to everyone that came to the support group today to make it successful, and thanks to everyone who has participated in the blog so far. Happy March!

Next Alumni Support Group: Sunday, April 6th, 4:00pm – 5:30pm