Today I moved my furniture out of what was my dorm room from last fall. I was taken down memory road and but I know that my decision to leave college and enter Tapestry was the right one for me. However I can’t help but to be pissed at the situation. I should be graduating on Sunday…but alas I am not. I am struggling to not stuff my feelings of anger, sadness, loss, etc. On a positive note I am not turning to food, but I still do not want to deal with the problem at hand.
There are special people that are in your life that you are just not sure what you would do if they are no longer in your life. It sometimes just doesn’t make sense to me that important relationships for some unknown reason come to an end. For me it is distance that is causing this division. So there are no hard feelings or resentment, just sadness and a sense of loss. I miss these people. I miss the laughter, the quiet understanding, the hold of a hand, the assurance that everything will eventually work out, the feeling of belonging, and most of all the feeling of being important to someone. Most of my friends are graduating from college and will be moving to all corners of the world. That’s right; my friends can’t even seem to stay within the U.S. Since entering treatment at Tapestry we have done a pretty good job of keeping in touch and we have visited often. I know that this will change as their lives begin post college. I also know that this is a natural course of life and that transition is constant, but I just don’t know how to find stability and I am not doing a good job at finding new friends to build relationships with. Honestly I am not even trying because I know that they will have to come to an end in the fall, or at least there will once again be distance. However, I know that for me relationships are vital to my recovery because my soul thrives off of them (at least the healthy ones.)
It was nice to spend time with my friends today, and now that I am healthier I am able to be a better friend and to have better relationships. I am grateful for that.
1 comment:
Hi Robynn - It's really hard to leave college and start over with finding friends but it's not impossible. I've joined groups that have my interests (like a fly fishing group) to meet people. However, I also understand your reluctance in meeting people given your future plans. I'd say it depends on how lonely you are - loneliness is a trigger for me so it was really important for me to develop a new support system when I moved here even if I was only going to be here for a year - which was the plan at the time I moved here. That plan didn't work out so I'm glad that I have developed the friendships that I have.
Take care,
Kathy
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