Forgiveness

I have made alot of mistakes and most of them happen to be associated with the eating disorder. Maybe some of you know the feeling of always getting mad at yourself because of what you have done or are doing. Here is a little something, a letter, that might help:
Dear Me, my former self,
If you had known would you have done it?
I don't think so.
If you could have snapped your fingers and said "thin" would you have decided you wanted that after all?
I doubt it.
If you could lose 50 pounds in one minute, and know what it was like to be that weight, would it have been everything you thought?
No way.
It would have been pain and weakness. Misery and aching. A pound is worth its weight in confidence. Take one away and add self-hate. You feel as small as you look. Worthless. Insignificant.
If you knew, would you have ever taken that first step? Ever celebrated that first pound?
I hope not.
If you had known where all this would lead, could you have found a better way? Could you have found a way to love yourself? Or at least not slowly kill yourself?
I hope so.
If you had known. If you had only known. You would not be writing this in the first place. You would not step on the scale. You would not go days without eating or drinking.
Would you have believed me if I had told you where this would lead? Would you have believed that you were capable of an eating disorder, of becoming this sick? Would you have believed how hard recovery would be?
Would you have believed that those last five pounds are never enough? Or would you have laughed and said I was talking about someone else?
Would you ever have believed this could be you?
Probably not. And that is ok.
You did not see what was coming, you did not anticipate the darkness. You were trying to survive, you were trying to forget. You did not mean for this to happen but somehow it just did.
So you are forgiven.
Now stop judging your former self by the knowledge and the experience you have gained years later. You were young, hurting, and you made a mistake. You did what you could and had no idea what would end up happening.
So let it go and move on. You cannot move beyond something that you refuse to let go of.
Love,
Me